I don't need

No one can hold you back but yourself. Nothing can stop you from doing something but yourself. The whole world could be pushing you forward but if you don't want it or believe it you wont be moving anywhere. I have lived the past 8 years believing I need someone by my side to survive, to be happy and to succeed. I've never been ok on my own or at least I never thought I would be ok on my own. Aged 15 I had my first boyfriend of two and a half years...Then my next of a year and a half and my next of two and a half years. These three people, all so different, all with their own qualities, helped me along my way and at times I didn't think I could survive without them by my side. When I was diagnosed with MS I felt a sudden survival instinct of independence. I felt like a fight in me. Like I don't NEED anyone else to over come this. I felt free of my own thoughts making me believe that I NEEDED that relationship to be happy and succeed. I am on my own now but never before have I felt surrounded by so many people. By letting the idea of needing just one person go, I have opened up my mind to being content with myself and in turn I've made some of the closest friends I could wish for. I've learned to believe in myself, have confidence in my decisions and not to rely on others to make my dreams come true. I don't NEED anything or anyone, I am however incredibly grateful to know the people around me. No one can hold you back but yourself. Nothing can stop you from doing something but yourself.

P x

Good Day, Bad Day

Everyone has bad days and today is one of those for me. 

I'm frustrated because I look fine..but I don't feel fine. I feel like i've taken a step backwards. I woke up today with a little more numbness in my right arm. WHYYYYYYYYYY?

My gym session didn't go as I had planned and I felt like I was letting myself and my trainer down. 

It's days like this filled with low thoughts which can potentially send you into a downward spiral. 

The power of the mind is like none other. It can bring you down but if you make the decision to take control it can be equally as empowering.

  I'm telling you now if you have one of these days or moments, find something which brings you back up again and do it, think it, listen to it. 

I turn to other people's blogs, motivational speakers and role models and let them give me a little pep talk. 

Montel Williams has MS and his video below talks SO much sense to me. He is dedicated and committed to succeeding in his battle with MS. He is in control. I want to be where he is 12 years down the MS line. 

He talked me out of my bad day, so I hope you can find something which works when you hit the wall. 

P xx

Rebif or No Rebif?

MS is a condition of the Central Nervous System

MS has no cure. 

However, there are Disease Modifying Drugs (DMD's) available which have been proven to reduce the number of relapses by a third over two years. 

There are different types of DMD's all with various side effects and different way to administer them. There is the option of licensed DMD's  and unlicensed DMD's, often causing much debate. 

I have been offered the licensed drug; Beta Interferon 1a - Rebif 

About Rebif:

- injectable under the skin 3 times a week

- Known to slow the progression of disability

Side Effets:

- Flu like symptoms

- Injection site reactions

- Depression and anxiety

"Interferons are proteins produced naturally in the human body, and help fight viral infections in the immune system It’s thought that beta interferon can reduce (and might prevent) inflammation which can damage nerve fibres in MS." - MS Society (find out more here)

THERE IS NO CLEAR RESEARCH FOR LONG-TERM BENEFITS

It's safe to say I'm scared.

I have yet to start taking Rebif although I have 'qualified' to receive this treatment...well done me?

The truth is, I'm scared of what I'm putting into my system 3 times a week, 52 weeks a year, every year for the rest of my life. 

It's a big change and with all the side effects is it worth it? 

I've spoke  to a lot of people through my blog and Twitter and the majority say; YES it is worth it!

some suffered no side effects and others such terrible side effects they wouldn't dare try to take it again.

So much of me wants to believe that I can beat this illness with mental strength, determination and huge changes in diet and lifestyle. But just how realistic could this be?

With the help of my Personal Trainer, my Physio, my Nutritionist, my Masseuse AND my family what more could I possibly need to help me on my way. Is that not enough?

 I simply can't decide if I want to start taking Rebif. I am meeting with my MS  nurse next week (Edgeware Community Hospital) who might be able to help me make my decision and perhaps hearing stories from other people rather than reading too much into whats online will help me make up my mind. 

P xx

Eat, Breathe, Sleep Hard Work

" My attitude is that if you push me towards something that you think is a weakness, I will turn that perceived weakness into strength" - Michael Jordan

This week I have been incredibly inspired by world class athletes, their achievements, and more importantly the mind set which got them there. The likes of Michael Jordan, Muhammed Ali and Jim Abbott have incredible stories of struggle and success overcoming any obstacle in their way and I truly believe their mental state is highly accountable for where they are today.

Take a look at this recent article about Basketball player Chris Wright, the first NBA player with Multiple Sclerosis. HERE. Hopefully this will not only encourage others to fulfil their dreams but also raise awareness of this condition.

Inspire: To inspire means to fill someone with the urge or ability to do or feel something. 

Throughout the course of sport history there are many athletes who have inspired the masses, not just to succeed in sports but to succeed in life. To overcome life's difficulties and be a champion in your own right.

MS is my opportunity to show the world what I can do.
It's a strength NOT a weakness.

Like I have said before; there are so many things I am doing now which I wouldn't be without my MS diagnosis. Unfortunately we live in a society where we become complacent and accustom to routine, something great has to happen for us to re evaluate where we are and what we are doing before we make significant changes. MS has been that 'something great' to happen to me. It's given me opportunities I had never considered before so I choose to focus on that rather than what it has taken away form me.

The world is challenging us to demonstrate the power of the mind, body and spirit when we align them to overcome this physically destructive disease. 

This week I turned to books for words of wisdom. 

My Top 10 recommended reads for anyone who wants to feel that urge to do or feel something great, or simply see how others have overcome difficult situations:

1. A Million Little Pieces - James Frey 

2. My Friend Leonard - James Frey

3. The Soul Of A Butterfly - Muhammed Ali & Hana Yasmeen Ali

4. A Testament of Hope - The essential writings and speeches of Martin Luther King Jr

5. I Can't Accept Not Trying - Michael Jordan

6. The Secret - Rhonda Byrne

7. Love Letters of Great Men 

8. Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs

9. Beautiful - Katie Piper

10. The Alchemist - Paulo Cohelo

Happy Reading. 

P xx

Feeling Inspired

Today is a good day. I woke up feeling stronger than I did yesterday and even more determined to take another step up the ladder of recovery tomorrow. 

We take each day as it comes and just as no two 'MS-ers' are the same, neither is one day to the next for me or any of my MS buddies out there. We don't know what symptom we're going to wake up with tomorrow, just as nobody knows whats going to happen to them this afternoon or in a weeks time...But for us it's the heightened risk and likelihood which can put fear into the future. 

I feel like I'm doing a 'Lucas from One Tree Hill' voice over as I say this but 

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

We have to look at this as one of life's challenges. We can either sit and cry about what the future may hold for us, think of the worst, and send ourselves into a deep depression. OR, we can take control of this opportunity we've been given to show everyone how strong we can be.

I've been asked by many people how I stay so positive given this diagnosis, but in reality it's my way of surviving. Honestly, I am so motivated by other people and their stories and determination... I want to be someone great one day so I look at those who have achieved great things yet come from bad places. 

I am also only 8 weeks into my life with MS where as I've spoken to people who are 3, 10, even 20 years down the line and they are still fighting. These are the people I want to hear and learn from. 

Without sounding like a sob story...I've battled anxiety and depression in my past as a late teenager which was completely unrelated to MS, so I know what it feels like to reach MY rock bottom...to feel the worst you possibly can. It took me a few years but I fought every single day and eventually resurfaced. I told myself no matter what happens to me I WILL NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN. Nothing will control me in that way..and I stand by that now. I've been offered pills and different sorts of medication to help me 'cope' with this transition but I don't want them. That would be admitting I need to rely on another source to succeed and I know I can do this on my own.

MS is unpredictable and scary at times but what is one chance at life on earth if its not a challenge. Everything feels better when you've had to struggle to get it. Train yourself to believe that easy isn't an option. Anything gained easily isn't worth having. 

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

I have also been reading other people's blogs as I'm curious as to how other people are getting on. http://xtina-bee.blogspot.co.uk and http://lisavsms.wordpress.com have been incredibly helpful and interesting to read :)

I was shown this video by my personal trainer, Antony, the other day. At first I felt it was a cheesy american motivational speech, [Which it kind of is]. However, give it a chance and what Ray Lewis has to say makes perfect sense and can be applied to all areas of life. 

P xx

YOU CAN DO IT BRUCE

Doctors have disagreed with me  and specialists have said that there is no proof drastic diet changes help the MS condition in any way. However, I have read SO many life stories and blogs from people with MS who have kept relapses at bay by cutting out those bad foods and changing their diet. 

I have to say I am a little sceptical because I am a 'newbie' to the MS world and a part of me will believe anything can make me better because I want it so much. I'm willing to try whatever it takes to ensure I can live the best life possible. 

I was put on the Paleo Diet about a month ago by my personal trainer and I found it incredibly hard to adjust to. Like most people I know, (not keen gym goers), I'm partial to a bit of chocolate...ok A LOT of chocolate...ok I could quite happily eat a family sized bar of galaxy...one big fat family sized bar, some Malteasers AND a Kinder Bueno. 

It's safe to say that I LOVE CHOCOLATE :) 

I would consider myself as much a fan of chocolate as Brucey here... just not quite as disgusting

Anyway, today is the day I give up Chocolate, Gluten and Dairy for AT LEAST the next 2 months to really see if going on this drastic PALEO diet can help my MS symptoms piss off :)

Lets see how I get on... I may become quite the chef as I'm determined to make this as interesting as possible. First Place I'm heading is here....

COOKIES AND SCREAM - Vegan and Gluten Free bakery in Camden. HOPEFULLY I'll also get some great tips for baking treats to sell at the MS Cake Break Sunday 28th April. You can have an insight into the sweet treats us MS-ers can have instead...BE THERE OR BE SQUARE :)

P xx

You Spin Me Right Round

Ditsy or Dizzy…. I’ve been all over the place this week, literally! I must have and almost fallen down the stairs 4 times and lost my balance just getting out of bed basically every day. I’ve woken up not knowing where I am and keep losing focus on what’s in front of me.

PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY PERSON WITH MS DEALING WITH THIS.

I’ve only had this symptom once before and it was last summer when I thought I had a middle ear infection when really it was another episode going down in my brain.

At last! Today it’s starting to get a little better and I’m not as disorientated but I can’t focus on looking at more than one thing at a time..for example; typing is a bit of a mare because I have to look at the letters as I type, my hands are moving too fast and my eyes just feel sea sick!

– Any excuse to be driven around by mummy or have someone carry my things ;)

I have a bit of a dilemma at the moment; where I’ve lost the feeling in my hands I need to use more than one sense to make them do what I want them to..So I need to look at my hands as I hold a plate or do my stress ball exercise to make that message reach my hand successfully. However..now that my vision is all over the place I’m twice as confused.

Sooooooo…Instead I made a friend and spent my week like this….

And this…

And this…

P xx

First Day

It felt like my first day of school again [insert embarrassing childhood photo].

03-09-1994

25-02-2013 

Everyone is going to be staring at me, what will people say? Do people even care? Has anyone even noticed I’ve not been there? Will people laugh when they see I cant walk in a straight line or talk slightly slurred at times? What about when I have to write something down…I can’t hold a pen or even write my own name. What if I drop something? There is no way I’m having lunch in the big hall with everyone, I wont be able to balance everything on the tray and walk with it AND select my food AND get a drink AND pick up cutlery…[and breathe.]

It’s safe to say I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind with the thought of going back to work and ironically I work at a school…

I’m determined to be successful and although I might not be attending high profile events or even assisting organizing them any more, I’m back at work and that feels so good. People can say what they like but I’ve stopped competing with friends from school and comparing myself to where they are in life. I’ve been given a different route to an even bigger and better destination.

P xx

“Be the greatest man in history, the greatest man that you can be, just be.” – James Yuill 

Knight Knight

I’ve gone quiet for a week or so now which is very unlike me! Sometimes it’s hard to be a big ball of positivity 24/7. I do try my best though. Ideally I’d like to do a post a day or at least one every couple of days. Especially as it will help me to track my own progress as the weeks and months pass me by.

Last week I went up to Birmingham to scatter my granddad’s ashes around the tree where my nanny’s ashes were planted. It’s in a beautiful National Trust location called Dudmaston and their tree is within the grounds overlooking the lake..a peaceful place they used to visit together. 

My Granddad was and always will be my role model and inspiration in life.

I think it’s really important in life to have someone who inspires you and guides you even if they don’t know it. I can always find that in Granddad…He was a very kind, decent man with the upmost respect for everyone; a man with good morals and an incredible sense of humor. Personally I fell in love with the pure, true romance, he had and will always have with my Nanny. It’s something I don’t believe my generation or younger really believe in or understand. They met at 16 and ‘courted’ for a few years before they decided to get married. Military duties couldn’t break them as they wrote to each other every single day they were apart. There is something so romantic about waiting for a letter and not being available via every form of communication physically possible. When they wed on granddads return, they had a huge bonfire of all the letters and there they began their long and beautiful life together. 

Granddad's gentlemanly ways changed the way I saw how I should live my life and how to treat others and treat myself. I am a silly fun loving person but in a lot of peoples eyes I may come across as boring. I care tremendously about my health and lifestyle and I have big visions for the future. I rarely drink alcohol, don't smoke and wouldn't touch a (non prescribed) drug ever. These decisions on how to live my life are so important to keep me going now so I guess I was subconsciously preparing myself for this huge change.

He showed me that nothing is too great to overcome. There is nothing in life I can not do and it gives me such unexpected strength knowing my Granddad will never know I have MS.

P xx

In memory of my Nanny and Granddad, Jean Mary and Donald Joseph Knight.

Talk Talk

Over the past few weeks I have received some AMAZING messages from people being so encouraging and supportive. It really has surprised me how people I don't know and have never met can say such inspiring words. It's messages like these which keep me in such a positive frame of mind and give me such hope for an exciting future..

I really want to show my apprecation to everyone for their support and share some of what  people have said in hope that other people, not necessarily with MS, can take something from it and go by their day with a more positive outlook.

Here are some of my favourites via texts, Facebook, Twitter, email and old fashioned cards...

"It was truly the saddest day of my life when I was told [I had MS] but hopefully you can be positive and look at all the things i've done- got a pilots licence, travelled the world on my own, go skiing and diving, jogging and swimming, cycle to work, run my own company and work full time. Live life to to its fullest and don't think you can't do things any more, you can!" - Facebook

"I think your attitude is so inspirational, you're such a positive thinker. I'm a great believer that if you're a positive person you attract positive things into your life." - Text

"Reading your blog made me smile. You make me want to ROCK MY MS! Thank you!" - Twitter

 "Keep up the positive attitude, it's what will see you through. Keep setting yourself goals and make them when you feel at your best. You'll find a way through." - Email

As well as making friends with strangers who I suddenly feel I have a huge connection with, this whole situation has shown me what great people some of my pre existing friends are.

I absolutely would not be in such a good way after 5 weeks since diagnosis if these people had not shown me the INCREDIBLE amount of support going above and beyond what I could have ever imagined.  Yes I am about to put pictures of my beloved friends up and no they didn't have a say in which pictures I chose :)

JAMES MCCARTHY - 

My bestest buddy in the whole wide world!

He was there in the hospital, at home and continues to make me see the best in life every single day by acting like an idiot...every single day ;) He also makes my hair look incredibly nice..no he's not gay..he's a hairdresser.

RHIANNON JAY - 

This chica has been my rock! We are going to New York together in May and plan on taking over the world one event at a time...starting with the MS cake break!

 

SAMM with two M's -

Friends since we were 13 we have been through A LOT together and will continue to do so..MS is just one tiny blip. Samm is mad...she is also part of the Sanchez family and therefore we can not disown her ;) 

MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER GABY AND THE FAMALAM - 

My family have been incredible and so has mummy's bank account. No but really, however you look at it family should always come first. This is my number one priority and if it wasn't for my parents I wouldn't be in the best position for recovery. They couldn't be doing anything more to help me in my struggle with MS. Thank You :) xxxx

PERSONAL TRAINER ANTONY  - 

He looks a lot like this...is incredibly funny and we have A LOT of banter.. so much so that I think my work out consists of him telling jokes for an hour until my stomach hurts from laughing so much. 

Laughter is something I think everyone should have as part of their day as "A day without laughter is a day wasted." It make all the difference in a serious, potentially depressing, condition like MS.

Moral of the story.... BE POSITIVE AND EMBRACE THOSE AROUND YOU. You never know when you're going to need people most. Be open minded and appreciate what people have to say even if it is via social media from across the world!

P xx